Think you can handle this kind of bullshit?

Hello all, Megan here, Dave’s cousin.

I’m sitting here tonight and he texts me “you need to put these on the blog”….I say “What?”  he says “These stories from the ambulance…it’s good stuff”.

I must confess, I can tell a story or two from my days of running around the City of Pittsburgh, in a 2 ton ambulance, with lights and sirens.  Everyone always use to ask me “How the hell do you do that job, I could never!”   Truth is, it’s who can last the longest, and how much bullshit can you really take?  Can you handle it or can’t you?

 So you think you can handle the bullshit?  Because as Dave has so eloquently put it, it’s all just bullshit….I have 13 years of bullshit stories that I believe should be told!

We’ll call this Call 1. 

I’ll have more, but this one is Call 1.

My partner (a guy, about 5 foot tall) and myself (5’8)  go on a call for a man down in his apartment, can’t get up, been down for a couple of days.  Standard bullshit….must have went on one of these calls a shift.

Item #1:  This call always involves a level of piss soaked pants of epic proportions, or worse, a real shitty day in the shift is about to take place.

Item #2:  9 times out of 10, this call involves some form of alcohol or drug use OR mental illness OR if you’re really feeling LUCKY all of them with some crazy twist!

Item #3:  Someone is always there with the person that can’t get up, equally as intoxicated or mentally ill, and yes, soaked in piss their selves (I guess you get to a certain level and just think what the hell, bathroom’s 3 feet away, I’ll just cut loose now, piss my pants….I don’t have a job, I ain’t going anywhere, why not….let’s all have a piss party up in here, Piss Fest!

Item #4:  Almost always, these people never want the party to end, they want the medics to pick them up, and let the good times continue to roll…they want to stay home and not go to the hospital….Why is this important you ask…because the equipment is heavy, and after you lug that shit around day in and day out sometimes for 20 hours a day, you ain’t taking everything, you’re taking what you think you are going to need, they don’t want to go, you aren’t going to need to treat anything, why take it all, when there’s a lil secret weapon….and it’s called “THE BULLSHIT BAG”….make no mistake….medics work smarter not harder, and there is a BULLSHIT bag on every ambulance somewhere….so guess what we took on this gem of a call…that’s right…THE BULLSHIT BAG.  It has the stethoscope, BP cuff, band aids, and a few other things that you could use….but probably won’t on a Bullshit call. (such as this)

Item #5:  There will be some degree of nakedness, or old man balls, that will burn an image into my cornea and deep into my soul.  No bullshit!

My partner and I take the elevator up to the apartment, go to the door, and it’s answered by a very skinny, older woman in a night gown, pissed stained of course.  We could smell the apartment down the hall, we knew without even looking for the numbers what “palace” we were called for, just follow the rancid piss smell, like a couple of toucan sams, the two jagoffs in blue shirts….  She answers the door and begins to yell…..and here is the call.

Piss stained woman : “His mother F’ing ass be laying all up in here, he fine, he can get up, he playing”

(larger man, no pants on (of course, always naked), with a t-shirt on—and yet, pissed on the t-shirt), laying in the middle of a filthy room, laughing and giggling up a storm)

He starts “Oh ignore her…so what happened is we were partying a few days ago, you know I got my beer, a little bit of weeeeeeeeeed, and we were having a good time, then I woke up like this, and been here ever since.”

My partner is now doing the “interview”, while I write down all the information.  I look for a spot to put down the Bullshit bag, and notice, we are standing in THE arena of PORN…That’s right folks…there are joints, porn, and beer just littering this lovely casa, and piss stained carpets, and piss stain owners.  This was my life for 13 years! I’m not talking a few DVDs, we’re talking STACKS up the wall of porn, we’re talking magazines, we’re talking Huge Hefner would have been blushing and the owner of Hustler would have gotten out of his wheelchair and walked out from embarrassment, porn.

Having heard enough of his story, my partner says “Okay buddy, we’re gonna get you up and put you on the couch, and we’ll be outta here.”  He was a guy, he wins, I’m not touching a half naked, pissed stained (and probably other stains too) man…guys touch the guys, women touch the women, and that’s the way that cookie crumbles….

When picking up a person, typically one medic was all it took, unless the patient were over 400lbs., then we call in the troops.  My partner gets behind him, puts his arms under the patient’s armpits, to hug him from behind, and clasps his hands in front, he hoists him up.  At this point of the operation, the patient typically can get to his/her feet and stand, they just need a little help.  My partner yells “C’mon buddy, you gotta help me help you.”  the patient is laughing.  Think of when a kid throws themselves on the floor and the parent tries to pick them up to walk, and they refuse to put their feet down…this guy was basically laughing and doing that, pissing my partner off to no end….HOWEVER, upon further investigation, i.e., I gave a damn and glanced at him, I noticed that between BOTH of his knees and ankles, his shins, were BENT IN HALF!  That’s right, his shins looked like elbows!  He had somehow managed to break both of his legs (his tib/fib), and now, as my partner gave a valiant effort to try to make the man stand, I yell out “OMG TOM, LOOK DOWN!”  The patient is so drunk and high he is laughing and said “What’s wrong honey, you never seen one like mine”….. at this point, I’m crawling with disgust…the porn, the illegal drugs, the aromatic piss scented room, the nakedness/balls, the woman screaming and yelling, and HIS LEGS!!!!  His legs looked like silly putty!

My partner lays him back on the floor, and we both go out in the hall and do one of those “shake it off, shake it off” ewwwwwwww grossed out moves.  We tell the lady and the patient we’ll be back…. The bullshit bag wasn’t gonna hack it on this one folks…we needed splints, the stretcher, and other accoutrements…

The guy, aside from being a perverted, piss stained, high, drunk, was actually okay.  He was never in pain, he was pleasant and didn’t Mother F us the entire trip to the hospital, and he thanked us for getting him up…we were even invited back for piss fest II.  I declined, went home, and took a silkwood shower where I ripped off the top layer of my own skin.

And they only get worse from here…..hope this will do Dave.

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